My fellow real Americans:
We’ve had some tough times lately. That virus is bad. BAD! You might have lost your job and your health insurance, and even gotten sick, but I’ve had it worse than you. I’ve been stuck in the White House, and I haven’t been able to do any rallies. It’s been torture, I tell you. But I suffered in a good cause.
Now the tide is turning, and we’re going to start fighting back. We’re Americans, remember! When the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, did we just stand there and take it? No! Americans are tough! We’re winners! We always fight back, and we never lose! Just like me!
These could be the best days of your life, so don’t just piss them away! Get even with the virus, and the Chinese! It’s time to take your life back!
So tonight, I’m telling you to go out to restaurants and bars again. Get on a plane. Go spend some money. Have a good time. Stare the virus and death in the eye, and tell them you’re an American, and you’re not afraid. And don’t wear one of those wimpy Chinese masks–no real American does that! I don’t! Sure, I make the people around me wear one, but I don’t!
Do it for yourselves. And for me. In the end, it’s all about me. You know that, and I do, too.
Trump blesses you all. As for the blue people, who cares? The more of them that die of the virus, the fewer votes for Biden!
Good night.
(Inspired by a famous scene in “Animal House”)