An exhausted Trump has come home to Mar-a-Lago. Lindsey Graham is waiting for him.
T: Why are you here, Linseed? Why aren’t you out campaigning?
G: Arnold Palmer’s penis? Really?
T: It was his hometown. The crowd loved it. It got me on TV. What more could you ask?
G: Is that really the way to appeal to undecided women voters?
T: There aren’t really any undecided voters left to appeal to. It’s all about the base now. The base loves it when I’m outrageous. It assures them I’m not a normal politician, and I won’t sell them out.
G: But all of the polls say the election is razor close. Why would you take the risk?
T: My gut tells me it’s the right thing to do, and it never fails me.
G: What about 2020?
T: I won in 2020. The election was stolen. You remember that, right?
G: Oh, yeah. I forgot. What’s your plan for the end game?
T: Do what I always do. Play the hits. It always works.
G: But the hits are sounding more like fascism every day. Is that really a good idea?
T: Fascism means whatever I say it means. By my definition, Harris is a fascist, and I believe in democracy. I speak for the people and give them what they want.
G: Let’s be real here–at best, you speak for 51 percent of America, and the rest of it hates your guts.
T: The rest of it isn’t real America. Real America loves me. It wants to give me absolute power to inflict pain on the rest. Who am I to argue with them?
G: Do you plan to create some sort of October surprise?
T: Well, I might call Putin and ask him to step up the war in Ukraine. A few big Russian victories would help my cause.
G: Don’t even think about that, much less do it.
T: We’re just going to have to agree to disagree on Russia and Ukraine.
G: Any other ideas?
T: Maybe Bibi would attack Iran’s oil refineries and drive prices up. That would help.
G: Not sure that’s a good idea, either.
T: Well, if you don’t like those ideas, maybe I should just stick to playing the hits.
G: I guess that isn’t such a bad idea, after all. (He leaves)