(Trump is once again entertaining his fellow strongmen at his DC club. As usual, Putin is the first to arrive.)
T: Vlad the Impaler! Good to see you, my old friend!
P: It’s always good to be able to hang out with my peers. You’ve done a much better job of being a strongman this time than you did last time. I’m still disappointed in you, though.
T: Why?
P: Because I still have to fight the war in Ukraine, and you haven’t completely dismantled NATO yet.
T: I’ve done a lot for you, Vlad. We’re no longer giving meaningful assistance to Ukraine, and I’m pulling troops out of Europe. What more do you want?
P: Put the stake in NATO’s heart and completely change sides on the war. Pressure Ukraine to make a deal. Show those bastards you’re the boss.
T: It’s not that simple. A large part of my party supports NATO and Ukraine. They’d go nuts if I did your bidding.
P: I’m tired of the excuses. Be a real strongman and tell your party what to do. They’ll follow you off a cliff, anyway. You should know that as well as I do.
(Xi enters the room)
T: Xi-man! My favorite Chinaman! Welcome to the land of the formerly free!
X: Good to see you, Donald.
T: We’re real partners now. We control all of the world that Vlad doesn’t occupy. We make the decisions, and everyone has to live with them. That’s what power is all about.
X: So you finally admit that you don’t have the cards when you play with us?
T: I still have some. Don’t press your luck. But I won’t try to bully you the way I do everyone else, because I know you can inflict pain on me, too.
X: Damn right I can. I’ll let you do what you want in your hemisphere, but don’t tell me how to run mine.
(Kim enters)
T: Rocket Man! What’s up?
K: I’m disappointed you’re spending all of your time with Iran. I actually have nukes and ICBMs, you know. I’m a greater threat to you than ten ayatollahs, and you still don’t give me any attention.
T: I know, it’s unfair, but Bibi insists. Nobody in South Korea is demanding that I go to war with you.
K: Well, finish your war quickly and start giving me the attention I deserve. Otherwise, I may have to start threatening fire and fury again.
T: So noted.
(Erdogan enters)
T: Turkish delight! What’s happening, man? I understand the campaign is going well.
E: Yes, I’m busy putting my opponents in jail. It’s a lesson you can learn from me.
T: Kash is working on it. He’s already digging up dirt on Newsom. That’s his job.
E: Well, tell him to work faster. Word is spreading your party is going to lose the midterms even with all the gerrymandering. A real strongman never loses.
T: I’m a winner. Never forget that. One way or another, we’ll win the midterms, and then we’ll start on 2028. That’s the real prize.
(Bukele enters)
T: Trump of the tropics! How’s the prison business going?
B: You need to send me more criminals. Too many of them are going to Africa.
T: I have to deal with the court system, and you don’t seem to have much more capacity. I’ll send you all the riffraff you can handle.
B: I look forward to it. We need the money.
T: OK, folks, listen up. I have a special guest for you today. Bibi is here to show you video of Hezbollah operatives being blown up by their pagers!
P: This will be awesome! It’s even better than Novichok. It’s way more dramatic.
E: You’re always doing this to me, Donald. I’m out of here.