It’s June, 2019. Tired of having to go abroad and listen to lectures from the other G7 leaders, Trump has decided to skip the G7 and host a bash with his fellow strongmen, which has been dubbed the “S6.” The meeting is at his hotel, because, well, making money off his own party regardless of ethics rules is what a proper strongman would do.
The guests are arriving. Duterte is the first to make an appearance.
T: Rodrigo, you old son-of-a-bitch!
D: Trump, you son-of-a-whore! Good to see you!
T: Don’t pay any attention to those demonstrators out there. Real Americans love you. They love a man who gets things done.
D: Absolutely. Look at my poll ratings. Shooting drug dealers without trial has done wonders for me politically.
T: Yeah, I wish I could do something like that here.
D: Why don’t you try it? If I can do it, you can.
T: It’s just not so easy here. Sessions will go along with separating immigrant families at the border and trying to repeal Obamacare through the judicial system, but he won’t let me do that.
D: Just tell him what to do, and if he doesn’t do it, fire him. That’s what a real strongman does. He sees Xi entering the room. Excuse me–I need to talk to Xi about a deal.
T: Why not just make it with me?
D: The Chinese are more reliable than you are. No offense. He wanders off to talk to Xi. Putin enters the room.
T: Vladimir, good to see you! I’ve been taking a lot of abuse for you, you know.
P: Well, I sympathize, but you haven’t given me proper credit for winning the election for you. How’s the investigation going?
T: Fake news! Fake news!
P: Why don’t you just shut it down?
T: People would assume I’m guilty of something if I did. I’d get killed politically.
P: Who cares? A proper strongman would never put up with that crap. You need to shut down the press and take care of Mueller. I can help you with some poison if you want.
T: It’s just not that easy here.
P: Donald, I keep telling you, you need to stop whining about how hard it is to be a real strongman. Just do it! Show some balls! It’s the only way you’ll get any respect.
Erdogan has arrived.
T: Hey, there’s Erdogan! Have you met my friend Vlad?
E: Of course. We’re fighting each other in Syria. I shot down one of his planes.
P: Thanks for reminding me.
T: Would you like a drink? I don’t give anything for free at my hotels, but it’s happy hour.
E: I’m a good Muslim. I don’t drink.
T: Oh, that’s right. The dirty religion. Well, you’re a strongman, so you’re still OK in my book.
The final guest has arrived.
ALL, IN UNISON: Kim! They sound like they’re greeting Norm at Cheers.
T: Glad you could make it! How’s the fake denuclearization program going?
K: It’s brilliant! Western reporters will believe anything if you show them a few pictures.
T: No proper strongman would give up his nukes. I understood that from the beginning. No one else did.
K: And you got a Nobel Peace Prize for it. It was great.
T: Frankly, Moon is a pain in my butt. If you lobbed a few nukes at him, that would be OK with me.
K: I’ll think about it.
T: OK, listen up, everybody! Are you having a good time?
P: Absolutely. It’s a hell of a lot better than listening to that bitch Merkel talk crap about human rights.
T: I’ve got some special entertainment lined up for us. First, we have front row seats for a WWE event. There’s nothing like professional wrestling to remind you that rules are for losers, and power is the only thing that matters.
X: What else?
T: I still have some connections at the Miss Universe pageant. Everyone is invited to go backstage! To the winners, go the spoils!
E: You’ll have to count me out on that one unless they’re wearing burqas.
T: Everyone else on board? Let’s go! They leave.