Trump is sitting in the famous boardroom in Trump Tower with Angela Merkel, Emmanuel Macron, Theresa May, and Kim Jong-un. He’s wearing his typical grumpy cat look.
TRUMP: OK, you know the rules. Each of you will be given an opportunity to explain what you’ve done for me over the last year. Three of you will be fired. One of you will be hired to do a special project for me. Does everyone understand?
The group nods in agreement.
TRUMP: Angela, we’ll start with you. What have you done for me lately?
MERKEL: Nothing specifically for you, but I’ve done my best to uphold liberal democratic values and the rule of law. America ultimately benefits from that.
TRUMP: That’s disgusting! You’re fired! Get out of here and never come back! Merkel exits.
TRUMP: What about you, Macron?
MACRON: I invited you to our big national parade. It gave you the idea for your own parade. And we helped out with the military strike in Syria.
TRUMP: That’s good, but not enough. You’re fired. Macron leaves.
TRUMP: Now we’re down the the last two. Theresa, what have you done for me?
MAY: We invited you to meet the Queen. I suck up to you in the face of violent opposition at home. I even made Boris Johnson suck up to you and go on Fox News.
TRUMP: Interesting, but you didn’t let me ride in a parade in one of those golden carriages. What about you, Kim?
KIM: First of all, I just need to tell you what an honor it is to sit in a chair that might have been used by Dennis Rodman.
TRUMP: Yeah, I kind of miss Dennis.
KIM: You should give him a job in your government.
TRUMP: Come to think of it, maybe I should hire him to be my new VA head. But back to business–what have you done for me?
KIM: I gave you an opportunity to talk trash on a global scale. You may even win a Nobel Peace Prize because of me.
TRUMP: This is a tough one, but . . . Kim, you’re hired! May leaves the boardroom; Kim exults.
KIM: So what’s the project?
TRUMP: Japan and South Korea have huge trade surpluses with us. I want you to blow them away.
KIM: I’m on it. They leave together.