The Cabinet meeting is about to begin. Trump kicks it off:
TRUMP: As is our custom, we will begin with the Pledge of Allegiance.
The group recites the Pledge.
ALL: I pledge allegiance to you, Donald Trump. Slayer of Hillary Clinton; builder of walls; omnipotent and omniscient; you alone have made America great again. May your reign last a thousand years, and may your dynasty rule forever.
TRUMP: Thank you. Next up is, of course, tributes to me. Betsy?
DEVOS: O great and all-knowing Trumpster, you have been assigned by God to banish false beliefs through the land through your support of right-wing religion and charter schools. You are a modern Moses. We bow down to your commandments.
TRUMP: I don’t know who this Moses guy is, but that sounded good. Jeff?
SESSIONS: God himself has given you the sword of justice to slay drug users and illegal immigrants. Your powers are checked by him alone. May your enemies all end up at Guantanamo Bay.
TRUMP: Good idea. Steve?
BANNON: O great Trumpster, you are truly the alpha and omega. Earthquakes tremble before you. The wind roars your praise. Liberals and the fake media quail before you. You win so often, it almost gets boring. Your reign will last forever!
The group applauds his eloquence.
TRUMP: I know I can always count on you for something special. Jim?
MATTIS: You are the tribune of the people, subject only to the checks in the law and the Constitution. May your cause always prevail.
TRUMP: Yes, and?
MATTIS: Yes, and what?
TRUMP: That’s all? Surely there’s more, and I don’t like that part about the law and the Constitution.
MATTIS: You are the leader, under law, of the greatest power in the world. That has to be enough.
TRUMP: We’ll talk later. Next is old business.
PRICE: We need to do something about Obamacare repeal and replacement.
TRUMP: That’s so July. I’m bored with it. We won. Let’s move on.
PRICE: But BCRA didn’t pass! How did we win?
TRUMP: I’m a winner. Winners win, by definition. Everything I do is winning. In this case, we made the Democrats take the blame for Obamacare. That’s fine with me.
MCMASTER: What about North Korea? We don’t have any good options.
TRUMP: Kim obviously doesn’t understand how great I am. We need to send an emissary who can explain to him that I’m omnipotent, and that he needs to give up his nukes in order to save his life. If he trembles before me, he’ll be spared.
MCMASTER: Who can persuade him of that?
TRUMP: Dennis Rodman, of course. New business?
MULVANEY: What about the tax cut? We don’t have a real plan yet.
TRUMP: Just do what Reagan did, only quadruple it. I’m four times the man he was. Anything else? Hearing nothing, we’re adjourned.
That was easy! Now I can go play golf.
Guards come and take Mattis away. A few days later, a picture of his head on a stick appears in the Oval Office next to the portrait of Andrew Jackson.