DONALD TRUMP: To live under an ethical system that isn’t based solely on power.
RON DESANTIS: To develop some empathy for the 50 percent of Americans who don’t agree with him on issues involving race and sex.
PROGRESSIVES: To read the Serenity Prayer every day. Their agenda is going nowhere for the next two years.
KEVIN MCCARTHY: To grow a spine.
JOE BIDEN: Since DeSantis, not Trump, is likely to be the GOP nominee, to make plans for an early retirement. Barring that, to build a time machine.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: To paraphrase Chris Christie during Sandy, to get his ass out of Ukraine.
XI JINPING: To chill out and loosen up a bit. It’s in the best interests of himself, his country, and the world.
THE RIGHT-WING MAJORITY ON THE SUPREME COURT: To keep the counterrevolutionary stuff to a dull roar to preserve what is left of the Court’s legitimacy.
AYATOLLAH KHAMENEI: To die as soon as possible in order to free his people.
JUST ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE: Happy New Year!