St. Peter is waiting for him with some pointed questions.
P: The boss and I need to clear up some points before we let you in.
G: No problem. I’m proud of my record. I always tried to do good.
P: Then why did you sell your soul to Trump? You seem to have a well-developed moral sense, and that man is evil.
G: I figured that would be your first question.
P: As you should, Captain Obvious.
G: I have three answers for you. First, I don’t agree that Trump is evil. Sure, he’s rough with his mouth, narcissistic, and oblivious to anyone else’s suffering. But he means well. He wants the best for America and the world. I’ve spent lots of time with him, so I should know.
P: We have a different perception up here. He’s a totally self-centered man who does nothing but wreck things in order to prove he’s the boss of everyone and everything.
G: Well, that’s your opinion. The second answer is that I broke from Trump on occasion, particularly after January 6.
P: And then you went right back to him as soon as the coast was clear.
G: Which brings me to my third point–I was playing the insider game in order to influence policy for good. It worked, too!
P: You mean, as in the Iran war? As your friend Sarah Palin would say, how’s that Middle East war thing working for you?
G: We just need to keep bombing. The plan is a good one. It just needs more time.
P: And more useless deaths. Just like Gaza. Are you proud of that, too?
G: The civilian deaths were unfortunate, but necessary. Israel was in danger. They’re the chosen people of your boss, right?
P: My boss doesn’t have chosen people. That doesn’t make any sense.
G: The Bible says so.
P: The Bible was written by men with an axe to grind, not my boss. And didn’t you read your Declaration of Independence? It says all men are created equal. It doesn’t talk about chosen people.
G: Some people are a little more equal than others. Israel is an admirable country. It’s a democracy that doesn’t take any crap from its neighbors. We should support it even if it kills a few innocent people every now and then.
P: It hasn’t been a few over the last several years.
G: I also supported Ukraine. Give me credit for that.
P: So noted. My last question relates to a statement you made years ago about being a proud white man who refused to be silenced. Did you really think it was appropriate to turn yourself into a white Rosa Parks? Do you really see yourself as some sort of a victim?
G: It felt good to say that. I made lots of friends with the far right that day. It helped me with Trump and my career. It wasn’t totally wrong, either. Wokeness was out of control. Trump has fixed that.
P: Yes, he thinks white South Africans are the only oppressed people in the world. That’s ridiculous and offensive.
G: Any other questions?
P: No. I’ll consult with the boss and get back to you.