(Donald Trump is wandering around the White House desperately trying to figure out a way to pull a rabbit out of a hat. He suddenly thinks that his strongman buddies can do something to keep him in power. Inevitably, he starts by calling Putin).
T: Vlad the Impaler! I need your help again, bro!
P: I’m not your bro, Donald. I’m very disappointed in you. I told you a thousand times you needed to be a proper strongman and take charge. You never did. Now, look at you. You’re a loser!
T: But it doesn’t have to be that way! I’m still alive, and fighting! We can still pull this thing out–you and me, like old times!
P: It’s over, Donald. You failed me. You just didn’t have what it took to be a real strongman. I’ve moved on–you should, too. Goodbye.
(Shaken, Trump calls Duterte).
T: Rodrigo, you son of a bitch!
D: Trump, you son of a whore! What can I do for you?
T: I need some help to stay in power.
D: It’s too late for that. Do you remember your line about shooting people in broad daylight on Fifth Avenue?
T: Of course.
D: You should have done it. That’s what I would have done. People would have respected and feared you. Now, they don’t take you seriously. There’s nothing I can do to help. Goodbye.
(Next, Trump tries Xi)
T: Xi-man! I need your help. I’ll trade you Hong Kong and Taiwan for help in staying in power.
X: You don’t have anything to trade. Why would we help you, anyway? You did nothing but complain about us.
T: That was just business. You know I never said anything bad about you.
X: You lost. Anyway, we don’t interfere in America’s internal affairs. We have nothing to discuss. Goodbye.
(Trump tries calling Kim, but Kim won’t even pick up the phone. Erdogan is his last hope).
T: How’s my favorite Muslim?
E: I’m expanding my powers every day. Unlike you.
T: I need some help here. Can’t you do anything for me?
E: For old time’s sake, I’m willing to give you and your family asylum in Istanbul. You’ll be safe from your creditors and the law here. But Ivanka and Melania will have to wear Muslim dress.
T: Thanks for the offer. I’ll think about it.
(His foreign options exhausted, he goes off to discuss Erdogan’s offer with Melania and Ivanka).