Donald Trump enters a room in a hotel in Beijing. Kim Jong-un is waiting for him. A Chinese government official is there as an observer.
KIM: Mr. President! Good to meet you at last!
TRUMP: It’s good to meet you, too! How should I address you?
KIM: As Rocket Man?
TRUMP: No, that was just a joke.
KIM: Well, Dictator-for-Life sounds kind of formal and stuffy. You can call me Mr. Kim.
TRUMP: I wanted to start by saying that, in spite of appearances, we have plenty in common, and there is lots about you and your country that I admire.
KIM: Such as?
TRUMP: First of all, we both have awesome, outrageous hair.
KIM: True.
TRUMP: We’re both great trash-talkers.
KIM: I agree.
TRUMP: We both love golf.
KIM: No, that was my dad. I’m more into basketball.
TRUMP: And that’s the fourth thing: we both know and admire Dennis Rodman, although I had to fire him from Celebrity Apprentice.
KIM: That was a big mistake.
TRUMP: I also admire the way you stomp out your opponents. You’re a winner! The way you execute your enemies shows great flair and imagination. And you have great parades, with lots of impressive military hardware. I want to do some of that, myself.
KIM: Yeah, there’s nothing like a good military parade to show people you’re a winner and a real man. Particularly with nukes! There’s a reason missiles are shaped the way they are.
TRUMP: I understand why you want to keep your nukes, but I have to tell you, we will have to turn your country into a cinder if you keep up the nuclear and missile tests. My credibility as a winner is on the line. I can’t lose on this.
KIM: But we need those nukes to protect ourselves and impress the population. Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with the situation?
TRUMP: Actually, I do. I promise to you that we have no interest in regime change in your country. In exchange for that, you would ship all of your nuclear material to China for safekeeping without telling anyone. You can still do your missile launches and threaten us, and I’ll periodically say we’re going to destroy you. No one will be the wiser, so your people will still be impressed.
KIM: What if the information leaks?
TRUMP: I’ll just call it fake news. That’s what I always do. My base believes anything I say.
KIM: Why should I trust you? You may be ripping up the Iran deal, and you even stiff your contractors. How will I know that you’re not taking me to Trump University?
TRUMP: That’s a legitimate point, but I would note that the US could have destroyed your country for the last sixty years, but we didn’t, because the ramifications to South Korea and China were too dangerous. You have that as a guarantee. Also, the Chinese could give you your stuff back if we violate the agreement.
KIM: I’ll think about it.
Both men leave the hotel through a back door.