Thanks to Obama’s decision to illegally plant cameras and microphones all over Mar-a-Lago, we have a complete record of the Xi/Trump meeting. Here are some of the highlights:
Xi and Peng arrive and step out of their enormous limousine. Trump and Melania are there to meet them.
DT: There’s my Chinaman!
XJ: I’m not a Chinaman. I’m Chinese.
DT: You know I don’t have time for that political correctness crap.
XJ: It’s not politically correct. It’s just correct.
DT: Whatever. Turns to Peng. You must be Ping! I’ve heard about you! You’re hot! Not quite a ten, like Melania, but you’re hot! Welcome to my home!
Stunned, but not wanting to cause an international incident, Peng remains silent.
DT: Well, enough pleasantries. Why don’t you girls go off and freshen up while we menfolk talk business?
Melania and Peng leave, commiserating about what jerks their husbands are. Trump takes Xi on a tour of the club.
DT: I have to say, I admire the way you manage to keep control over fake news in your country. We could use a Great Firewall here, too. And I wish we could lock up my enemies here, like you do.
XJ: Like Bo Xilai?
DT: Bo who?
XJ: Bo who will never see the light of day again.
DT: I get it. It’s like a knock-knock joke.
XJ: Another proud Chinese invention.
They finish the tour.
DT: So, what do you think? Isn’t it great!
XJ: It reminds me of the Forbidden City, but less tasteful.
DT: What do you mean? Look at all the gold in here!
XJ: That’s my point.
DT: So, do you want to go play golf?
XJ: Golf is a bourgeois sport. I don’t play.
DT: Trust me, my courses are so expensive, the bourgeois can’t afford them.
XJ: I’m sure it would be fun, but I have to get ready for our meeting.
DT: OK. See you later tonight.
The two meet later that night.
DT: We’ve got some issues to discuss with you.
XJ: Fire away.
DT: First of all, there’s North Korea! You need to get your boy under control, or else!
XJ: Or else what?
DT: Or else we send in the bombers! I’ll do it, you know! I’m a strong, unpredictable leader! Just ask Assad!
XJ: Yeah, we’ve heard about that.
DT: You’ve got thirty days to deal with him. It’s up to you.
XJ: Look, we don’t have any more use for Fat Boy than you do. It’s not that easy to keep him under control. Every time we find someone we can use as an agent there, they kill him with an anti-aircraft gun. We’ll do our best, but I make no promises.
DT: Whatever. Let’s move on. We need to do something about the trade deficit.
XJ: What do you have in mind?
DT: Well, for one thing, you can do something about intellectual property. Your people need to stop ripping off Hollywood.
XJ: But I thought you and your party hated Hollywood. Every time one of our people sells a pirated DVD, we’re sticking it to Meryl Streep! We’re actually doing your dirty work for you.
DT: Good point. Cross that one off the list. What about your fill islands in the South China Sea?
XJ: They’re for purely peaceful purposes. In fact, we’re going to turn them into resorts. Here’s a rendering of one of them. Shows Trump a rendering of a Trump International Hotel on one of the islands.
DT: Hey, great idea! And I bet I wouldn’t have any trouble getting permits for seawalls, either!
XJ: Guaranteed.
DT: OK, cross that one off the list.
XJ: We have some issues with you.
DT: Like what?
XJ: Well, first of all, there is the One China policy.
DT: We have china all over the club. Who cares how many pieces there are? One China, a thousand Chinas, who cares?
XJ: We also want you to keep your commitments under the Paris Agreement.
DT: You mean the climate change thing? It’s just a hoax you created to keep us under your thumb. Those days are over.
XJ: Look, we’re really serious about doing something about climate change. We have a lot to lose, and our people don’t like living in smog.
DT: I love the smell of coal dust in the morning. It smells like. . . money. And votes.
XJ: This isn’t a movie.
DT: Everything’s a movie. My whole administration is a Batman movie.
XJ: We’re obviously not going to get anywhere on this.
. . . . . . .
Xi and Peng leave. Xi is relieved that Trump didn’t start World War III. Peng is just happy he didn’t grope her.