Donald Trump is in the Oval Office, contemplating the portrait of Andrew Jackson. He looks grim.
Kellyanne Conway enters the room.
KC: (in an obnoxiously whiny voice) Mr. President!
DT: What, K.A.? Can’t you see I’m busy?
KC: You don’t look busy.
DT: Shows what you know. What do you want?
KC: Jeff Sessions is here, and he wants to see you.
DT: I don’t want to talk to him. Tell him I’m not here.
KC: Why?
DT: He screwed up that Russian thing royally. I’m pissed off at him.
KC: What do you want me to tell him?
DT: I don’t know . . . tell him I’m in Florida playing golf.
KC: But that would be a lie, er, alternative fact.
DT: Don’t be a dingbat, K.A. Just do as I say.
Conway leaves. Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner enter the room.
IT: Hi, Dad! How’s it going?
DT: Not very well. The crooked media putting out fake news about me, the conservatives are on my back, and now I find out that Obama has bugged the Oval Office!
IT: That’s terrible, Dad! How did you find out about the bugs?
DT: It’s all over Breitbart. I know it’s true; that guy would do anything to bring me down. Sticks his head under the desk. Hellooooo, Barack! I know you’re in there somewhere!
IT: We need to talk to you about a couple of things.
DT: I’m just dying to hear them. What?
IT: We need to start making some progress on government support for day care.
DT: Not that woman thing again! I agreed to support that for the purposes of the campaign, but we won, and now it’s over! I’ve got more important things to do.
IT: But Dad, you promised!
DT: The right is all over my back as it is. I don’t want to hear another word about it!
IT: But Dad. . .
DT: Stifle yourself!
JK: I need to talk about the Middle East.
DT: Another favorite topic. Just do what my buddy Bibi wants and you’ll be OK. He’s a real butt kicker, like me. He’s my kind of guy.
JK: That’s the problem. How am I supposed to come across as a credible mediator if you’re always sucking up to Bibi?
DT: You’ll figure it out. Don’t be a meathead. Now I have to get ready for a meeting with Shinzo somebody, so you need to go. They leave.
Trump picks up a briefing book, stares at it for a minute, sighs, and then puts it down. He then picks up his phone and starts tweeting furiously about Obama and Arnold Schwarzenegger.