President Trump signed an executive order banning all European men from the US Open today. According to Trump, the failure of American men to win the Open for over 20 years constituted a national emergency requiring immediate legal action. In addition, Trump noted that the European men had an unfair advantage in that Europe had been sheltering under the American nuclear umbrella and ripping us off for years. With a fair playing field, Trump argued, Americans would always win.
The executive order also replaced the names of the Billie Jean King National Tennis Center and Arthur Ashe Stadium with Jimmy Connors and John McEnroe, respectively. Trump maintained that the honoring of King and Ashe was only due to wokeness. He went on to add that Connors and McEnroe were appropriate honorees because they were brash, ill-tempered white American men who reminded him of, well, himself.