A visibly shaken Mitch McConnell said the following to reporters after the latest school massacre:
“I’ve always believed that businessmen were responsible for all of the good that occurs in this country. They’re the makers; everyone else just takes from them, and drafts off them. As a result, I’ve pushed a program of transferring wealth and power from workers and the government to them. I can’t say that in public, since it wouldn’t exactly win us a lot of votes, so I’ve pushed culture war issues as a distraction for white working Americans, and done my best to prove that government is never the answer, regardless of what the question is.
And I’ve succeeded! But look at the cost! The social fabric of this country is being torn apart. The culture war has long since passed out of my control, with the extreme right and left calling the tune. Many of our communities are rotting away in the face of globalization and technological change. Americans on my side are trying to overthrow the government. People all over the country are using the Second Amendment rights that I have protected so zealously to kill each other every day. Climate change is threatening to destroy life on the planet as we know it. And most of this is because I fought the good fight for inequality and unregulated capitalism, and stoked the flames of social divisiveness to win elections.
Well, today I’m turning over a new leaf. I will no longer oppose just for the purpose of winning power. I’m going to try to use government constructively to solve people’s problems, and to bring them together–not to tear the country apart to win elections. We’ll start with some reasonable gun control measures. The killings have to stop–now!”
It’s all true, but I’m not holding my breath.