Who knew that Obama could plant bugs in the Vatican? Here’s what happened:
Trump makes his entrance.
DT: There’s my Catholic!
Francis says a silent prayer for strength and patience. Alas! On this occasion, it goes unanswered.
PF: Good to meet you, Mr. President.
DT: Hey, great place you’ve got here. The art is really colorful. Especially that one ceiling.
PF: Yes, we have many of the great treasures of civilization here. It’s all for the glory of God.
DT: I do have to point out that Trump Tower has more square footage and more gold than St. Peter’s.
PF: I’m sure it was built for the same purpose. Francis has a crooked smile on his face. So why are you here, my son? Do you want me to bless your wall and your budget?
DT: Well, part of it is optics for my voters, of course, but I do have some issues to discuss with you.
PF: This is going to be interesting, I’m sure.
DT: First of all, there’s our unfair trade deal with the Vatican.
PF: You’ve got me there. I have no idea what you’re talking about.
DT: All of those American tourists visit here and spend money, but no one from the Vatican ever visits America. And Americans provide lots of money to support the Church, but we don’t get much of it back. We need to change that. America first!
PF: What do you suggest?
DT: You could require everyone in the Vatican to vacation in America, appoint more American cardinals, and put some of the money in your bank in our infrastructure.
PF: Practically no one lives here, and I can’t just spend money any way I want. We’ve been doing business in a certain way for 2,000 years. I can’t change things overnight.
DT: So you can’t help me?
PF: No.
DT: Then there’s your defense budget. You need to beef it up. Americans are tired of spending money to protect you.
PF: The Church is a spiritual power. We don’t have a defense budget.
DT: What about the guys in the funny uniforms?
PF: The Swiss Guards? They’re our equivalent of the Secret Service, but their uniforms were designed by Michelangelo.
DT: Michel who?
PF: I’m sorry–I should have known better. Anyway, I can’t help you with that.
DT: Well, don’t be surprised if we don’t rush to defend you when you get invaded.
PF: We’ll get by.
DT: Finally, you’re soft on Islamic terrorism. Steve Bannon and I want you to declare a crusade against Islam. Steve says your predecessors did that all the time.
PF: That was 900 years ago, and it didn’t turn out too well.
DT: So you won’t help me there, either.
PF: I’m afraid not.
DT: So what can you do for me?
PF: You can have your photo taken with me. I will give you a copy of my encyclical on climate change, although I’m sure it’s too long for you to actually read. And I will pray for God to give you the gift of humility.
DT: You can skip the prayer: I’m already the most humble man alive! You can ask Sean Hannity, or Rush.
PF: We’re done here.
They take the photo, and Trump leaves.