Trump has reconvened his meeting of world strongmen at the new Executive Branch club. As usual, Putin is the first to arrive.
T: Vlad the Impaler! Good to see you, man!
P: It’s good to be back. It was a long four years with Biden.
T: Tell me about it.
P: I have to say, I’m impressed with what you’ve been doing to your opposition, Donald. Last time, you didn’t listen much to my advice about cracking down, but this time, you look like a real strongman. I’m proud of you.
T: Thanks, Vlad. There’s plenty more where that came from.
P: Now you just have to do a bit more to help me with the war.
T: Can’t you just declare victory and call it a day?
P: I want a real victory. I want a parade in Kyiv. You owe me that.
T: I don’t like the optics. We need to find a better compromise than that. I may have to threaten you to get us there.
P: I won’t take your threats seriously. Everyone knows you hate the Ukrainian leadership as much as I do. I’m willing to be patient to get everything I want. That’s what Russians do.
(Kim enters the room)
T: Rocket man! How’s it going, little bro?
K: OK, but you haven’t called me. What’s going on?
T: I’m busy, you know. Running the world and sticking it to my enemies. It’s a full time job, and then some.
K: I suppose so. I don’t have opposition, so I wouldn’t know.
T: Let’s make some time to talk deals. I have a great proposal to make peace with you, and you don’t even have to give up your nukes.
K: Does it involve a Trump hotel, by any chance? Maybe some crypto?
T: We’ll have to talk about that later.
(Erdogan enters the room)
T: Turkish delight! Love what you did with the opposition guy.
E: To my friends, everything. To my foes, the law. You know that as well as anyone.
T: Yes, I’ve learned. No more Mister Nice Guy. That’s the way it has to be. We need a unified country, period. One nation, one voice.
E: You got that right. Democracy doesn’t mean the voters have the right to be irresponsible.
(Xi arrives)
T: Xi! How’s my favorite Chinaman?
X: I’ve been better. Dealing with the fallout from your tariffs has been a problem.
T: You should call me! We can make great deals together! Everything will be on the table!
X: Everything? Including Taiwan?
T: Call me, and you’ll find out.
X: Where’s Duterte?
T: He couldn’t make it. But that leads me to today’s program.
(Trump addresses the entire crowd)
T: Listen up, folks! Duterte can’t be here, because he’s out of power, and in jail. But we have a new member–Nayib Bukele!
P: Good choice, man! I love that tropical gulag thing. It’s sort of Siberia in reverse.
B: That’s the idea, to be sure.
T: And for our special entertainment tonight, Bibi Netanyahu is going to play us video of Israeli air strikes on civilians in Gaza!
E: You always do this to me, Donald. I’m out of here.