Imagining Kash’s Confirmation Hearing

CHAIRMAN: We have now reached the time to ask questions. Senator McConnell.

MM: What experience do you have that qualifies you to run an agency as large as the FBI?

KP: What’s it to you, RINO?

MM: The American people have a right to know your qualifications.

KP: I religiously follow Donald Trump. I hate the same people he does. That’s my qualification.

MM: You think hating half of America is a job qualification?

KP: Absolutely! We’re going to make them pay, too. They did everything they could to shut him down. Now they’re going to get a dose of their own medicine.

CHAIRMAN: Senator Collins.

SC: What relationship should the FBI Director have with President Trump?

KP: I’ll follow his orders. Every one of them.

SC: So if President Trump calls you and orders you to put members of Congress in jail, how will you respond?

KP: By asking which jail he wants them in.

SC: Do you believe President Trump has a mandate to imprison any American he wants for any reason he wants?

KP: The American people showed their faith in President Trump by electing him. The Supreme Court has ruled he isn’t accountable to anyone once he takes office. That means he can put anyone he wants in prison. The lives and property of every American are completely at his disposal. That’s the way the system is supposed to work.

SC: Not in my lifetime, it isn’t. The president isn’t a king.

KP: Better watch your step, or you might be one of the next ones to taste prison food.

CHAIRMAN: Senator Murkowski.

LM: If you use the law as a weapon against President Trump’s opponents, what do you think will happen to you if they win the next election?

KP: That question practically answers itself.

LM: What do you mean?

KP: Do the math, senator.