Donald Trump and Paul Ryan are sitting in Ryan’s office. Ryan is behind his big desk; Trump is in a small chair in front of the desk.
PR: Do you know why you’re here, Donald?
DT: To win the election!
PR: And why else?
DT: I don’t know. Why?
PR: Because, as the Republican nominee, you need to know what our party stands for. We can’t have people thinking we’re just a bunch of racist thugs. We’re the party of Lincoln!
DT: I’ve heard of him! He was a winner, and he has a big monument in Washington! When I’m President, I’ll be an even bigger winner, and have an even bigger monument! It’ll be huge!
PR: Whatever. Let’s begin. Where do we stand on abortion?
DT: We’re pro-life, of course.
PR: Why?
DT: Who would be against life?
PR: It’s not that simple. We support the death penalty, a militaristic foreign policy, and cuts to domestic programs which benefit children and the poor.
DT: Then what does it mean?
PR: It means that a fertilized egg is a human being, and anyone who kills it is a murderer. Of course, after it’s born, it’s on its own.
DT: That doesn’t seem very logical to me.
PR: Logic doesn’t enter into it. It’s in The Bible. What happens to women who have an abortion?
DT: Why, they’re punished, of course.
PR: No. They’re victims of predatory physicians. They need to be protected.
DT: I thought you were encouraging me to treat women as equals, not children.
PR: Don’t be impertinent. What about climate change?
DT: It’s a scam! A hoax!
PR: How do you know?
DT: Who would know more about scams than I do?
PR: You have a point there. What about tax cuts?
DT: I love them! I proposed a huge one! Everyone loves it!
PR: What will it do to the deficit?
DT: My tax cut will create such a large boom, the deficit will disappear!
PR: Based on what historical evidence?
DT: None. It’s a matter of faith.
PR: You’re catching on. What about entitlements?
DT: I’m entitled to be President, of course!
PR: No, like Social Security and Medicare. Why do we want to cut them?
DT: Thinks for a minute. Because we need money for my huge tax cut.
PR: By George, I think he’s got it!