“My fellow Americans, I ran for president as an innocuous old white guy who could get votes from identity voters and save the country from Donald Trump. My sales pitch worked; that’s why I was the nominee, not because I ran a great campaign. But the virus, and the Georgia elections, changed everything. Suddenly, it seemed possible to turn America into a more worker-friendly country. We could replace the dollar store economy with a system that worked for everyone–not just wealthy businessmen. Those were heady times.
We got some important stuff done. We reduced poverty, brought back lots of jobs, and improved the safety net. But in the long run, we didn’t have enough votes in the Senate for the centerpiece of my agenda, the virus persisted, and inflation started to rage. I lost a lot of ground in the polls. Today, things look grim.
So, today, I’m announcing a reset. I won’t talk about being FDR anymore. Now I’m Bill Clinton, trying to get small, popular stuff done. Everything I suggest will sound reasonable and helpful to the average American. Then I’ll sit back and watch the Republicans destroy themselves by sounding like the dangerous extremists that they are.
I know this will disappoint the left. I share their disappointment. But what else can we do? I’m not an alchemist. I can’t conjure votes out of nothing. This is the best we can do. Learn to live with it.
Oh, and how ’bout them Ukrainians! Aren’t they awesome?”