Trump meets Putin in Alaska
T: Vlad the Impaler! Good to see you again, man!
P: It’s always good to be back on what was Russian soil. The Tsar was a fool to just give it away.
T: But Alaska has always been American.
P: Say what?
T: George Washington kept his troops there during the winter when he was fighting the British. That’s why they were so cold.
P: That’s fake news. Who told you that?
T: Sarah Palin, I think. Maybe Tulsi Gabbard.
P: You should know better than to listen to your intelligence people. Trust me, not them.
T: I do, Vlad, I do. If you say it’s fake news, it must be.
P: Now, let’s talk about Ukraine.
T: A real estate deal! I love it! No one knows more about real estate deals than me!
P: There’s more to it than that, of course.
T: Not really. What are your terms?
P: In order to keep you happy, I will no longer insist on Ukraine giving up land they still hold. Of course, what’s mine remains mine forever.
T: That’s good, Vlad. I can go along with that.
P: Can you make Zelensky go along with it?
T: He has to. He doesn’t have the cards. You and I do.
P: Ukraine can never be part of NATO.
T: I’m on board with that. The last thing I want to do is go to war with you over some insignificant piece of territory on your border.
P: Right. Think of Ukraine as Russia’s Canada–your 51st state.
T: I’m good with that.
P: No NATO troops in Ukraine–ever.
T: OK so far. I can make that happen.
P: No American weapons in Ukraine, even if the Europeans buy them, and no assistance from America or Europe with the creation of Ukrainian defense industries. Ukraine must never be a threat to Russia again.
T: I can promise we won’t give anything away. The rest of it, I’m not sure. I’ll have to talk to the Euros about that.
P: There’s no peace in Ukraine without that commitment, and you don’t get your Nobel Peace Prize.
T: I need to think about that one.