God, in his infinite wisdom, has decreed that Elon Musk’s soul should be run through a woodchipper as punishment for his sins. Elon is indignant.
ELON: It’s not fair! I was your faithful servant!
GOD: Give me five reasons in writing why your soul shouldn’t be destroyed. Just kidding. Why do you call yourself my servant?
ELON: I supported your agent, Donald Trump.
GOD: Why in the world do you call Trump my agent? He’s a despicable man.
ELON: You saved him from the assassin. It was your will that he become president again.
GOD: How do you know that?
ELON: Trump says so. Besides, it’s just common sense.
GOD: I work in mysterious ways, Elon. Never forget that. You don’t know what my plan is for Trump and America.
ELON: He’s doing your bidding. All of the Christians in America love him.
GOD: He hates most of America. He enjoys inflicting pain on people. He just wants to show people he’s the boss. Do you consider those to be Christian virtues?
ELON: They must be, because you approved it.
GOD: You enjoy inflicting pain on people, too. I’ve seen the picture of you with the chainsaw.
ELON: They’re in the way. You can’t make progress without hurting a few people. That’s just the way it is. Creative destruction is a good thing. It’s your will.
GOD: I know you like to break things. Those things, and those people, are mine, too. They matter to me as much as you do.
ELON: That doesn’t make sense. The future of mankind depends on geniuses like me. Everyone else is just along for the ride.
GOD: There it is–the sin of pride.
ELON: I have a lot to be proud of. Thanks to me, mankind will go to Mars one day.
GOD: What’s wrong with Earth? And why did you help ruin it?
ELON: I didn’t. I built Teslas to save the planet. That should count in my favor.
GOD: You built Teslas to make money. Then you supported a man who did his best to stop the transition to electric cars and promote the use of fossil fuels. Your record on the environment is mixed at best. Your business acumen is questionable, too. Why would you deliberately offend the half of America that would actually consider buying an electric car?
ELON: I was the richest man on the planet. What do you know about making money?
GOD: I heard that you want to create a master race on Mars that will be run by your progeny. Is that true?
ELON: Absolutely! Even if you destroy my soul, my genes will live on! I will be the ruler of Mars through my children and grandchildren!
GOD: So now you want to be me. I’ve heard enough. Crank up the woodchipper! (Elon screams in terror as the machine revs up)