M: The first question is for President Biden. Mr. President, a lot of people in our country don’t understand why we’re continuing to give weapons to the Israeli military to kill civilians. Would you please explain your position?
B: We stand with Israel against Hamas. We agree with the Israeli government that Hamas should be destroyed to the maximum extent possible. Without doing that, no meaningful progress can be made on a peace plan. But we also think that Hamas is the enemy, not the Palestinian people. As a result, we’re pushing the Israelis to protect civilians and let in aid. We won’t give them weapons that can be used primarily against civilians.
M: President Trump, your position.
T: Crooked Joe and the Biden crime family stole the 2020 election from me and real America. Vote for me so I can have my revenge, because it will be your revenge, too.
B: There he goes again.
M: President Trump, from your public statements, it appears you think the Israelis should kill as many Palestinian civilians as necessary as fast as possible and get out of Gaza. Is that really your position?
T: During the Trump years, we didn’t have stagflation. We had a big, beautiful economy. It was the greatest in history. Crooked Joe ruined it all. Vote for me and I’ll bring it back.
B: Obviously, he didn’t answer the question, so America is free to assume that he thinks the Israelis should kill lots more innocent civilians.
T: I never said that.
B: If you refuse to answer the questions, everyone has a right to assume the worst.
M: President Biden, how does America define victory in Ukraine?
B: We need to guarantee the survival of a viable Ukrainian state. Questions about boundaries we will leave to the Ukrainian government.
T: The Ukrainian government was first in cahoots with Crooked Hillary, and then with Crooked Joe. It has to go.
M: President Trump, you have stated that you have a secret plan to bring peace to Ukraine. The popular assumption is that you plan to hand the country over to Putin. This is your opportunity to set the record straight.
T: Putin didn’t invade Ukraine while I was president. If America has a strong leader, problems like Ukraine will just go away.
M: You’re not denying the popular opinion.
T: My plans are secret. America has to trust me. I did a great job before, so I should be trusted.
B: His actual answer is, yes, I’m going to give Ukraine to Putin, probably in exchange for nothing, just because I hate the Ukrainian government.
M: President Biden, inflation was a serious problem during most of your first term. What is your plan for combating it?
B: Inflation was a worldwide problem due to the pandemic and supply chain issues. We have those under control. We’re fighting high prices on a variety of fronts–from insulin price caps to jawboning on shrinkflation to forgiving excessive student debt. The plan is working–inflation is almost back to normal.
T: We didn’t have inflation during my presidency. Crooked Joe created it. Vote for me, and I’ll bring back the big, beautiful economy of 2019.
B: Your tariffs and your mass deportation scheme will cause prices to skyrocket. America, take note.
T: No, everyone else in the world will actually pay the tariffs. Americans won’t pay anything. Trust me.
M: One last question for both of you. What are your plans to unite a badly divided nation?
B: I’ve done my best not to demonize my political opponents. That can be hard, the way they behave at times, but using Nazi-era rhetoric has consequences.
T: I need to have my revenge on my enemies in order to satisfy real America, because the attacks on me were really attacks on them. After that, we can think about unifying the country behind me.