Lindsey Graham has once again come to Palm Beach to discuss the upcoming campaign with the man on golf cart, who only left him waiting a half hour this time.
T: Linseed! How are you doing?
G: I’m fine, Mr. President.
T: It’s good to see that at least one of my prominent sycophants hasn’t deserted me.
G: I couldn’t stand to lose the access. Or the free golf.
T: So why are you here?
G: We need to talk about the campaign. Some of your potential opponents are about to announce, and we have to put a strategy in place to deal with them.
T: Nobody has announced yet. They’re all RINO wimps.
G: Still–some of them probably will.
T: Name them off, and I’ll tell you how to deal with them.
G: Nikki Haley is supposedly going to announce in two weeks.
T: God bless her! She’ll help split the anti-Trump vote, but she can’t win. The base isn’t going to vote for a brown woman who sucked up to me and promised never to run against me. I’ll just ignore her and let nature take its course.
G: Mike Pence.
T: The first of the Killer Ps! He’ll get some votes from the ultra-anti-abortion crowd. I can’t really do anything about that. The rest of the base wanted to hang him. He’s no real threat to me.
G: Pompeo.
T: The other Killer P! He served under me and openly supported everything I said and did. All I have to do is remind the base of that. Besides, he has no charisma.
G: Larry Hogan.
T: He’ll get about ten anti-Trump votes in Maryland, but that’s it. The more of these guys, the merrier. All they do is split the anti-Trump vote. We encourage them–not discourage them.
G: Liz Cheney.
T: Ignore her. Refuse to debate her. She’s not a real Republican.
G: Marco Rubio.
T: He has too many scars from 2016 to run again. Anyway, I can make a deal with him. He can run the State Department in relation to Latin America just the way he did before. That’s what he really wants to do.
G: Ted Cruz.
T: I don’t think Ted has the nerve to run again. If he does, he’ll just be competing with the others for votes in the same lane. Of course, you could argue that Ted operates in his own obnoxious lane, but there aren’t many votes there.
G: Greg Abbott.
T: Do you really think the base is going to vote for a guy in a wheelchair? That’s even worse than being a POW. What a loser!
G: And, of course, the elephant in the room–DeSantis.
T: He’s the only real threat. Come back after he announces and I’ll tell you my plan for dealing with him.
Graham leaves.