My fellow real Americans:
It is traditional for the incoming president to attempt to heal the wounds of the campaign and unify the country. Lincoln did it, even during the Civil War. Obama and Biden did it. Heck, even George W. Bush did it.
But that’s not how I roll. I don’t believe in that unity crap. And so, I’m going to speak directly to my opponents here.
Real America hates you, because you prosper while they struggle. God hates you, because you don’t believe in him. And I hate you. You aren’t real Americans. You’re European socialists living in the wrong country.
I’m not going to be your president. In fact, I’m going to do everything in my power to make your lives miserable. I’m going to roll back your constitutional rights. I’m going to raise your taxes. I’m going to cut your benefits. Most of all, I’m going to shut you up. You can kiss your right to disagree with me good-bye.
And if you think you can fight back and win, think again. The Supreme Court belongs to me. The electoral system is biased in my favor. And my side has all the guns. You might have the money, but when money does battle with guns, guns win.
So get ready to grin and bear it, or ship out! I’m sure there are lots of godless socialist countries that would be happy to take you in.
Thank you, and God bless real America.