(Joe Biden has come to meet Putin. The latter, familiar with Major’s reputation, has wisely left his dog at home.)
B: How’s it going, Killer?
P: (Sounding pained) Please don’t call me that, Mr. President!
B: Why not? You clearly relish your fearsome reputation. What about Chechnya? What about Syria?
P: We do what is necessary for the best interests of the Russian people. We don’t take any particular pleasure in it. But if you get in our way, you’re gone.
B: What about Navalny? Poison in his underwear? That sounds like something from Monty Python!
P: That was probably the CIA trying to gain some sympathy for my opposition. They have been known to do such things, you know.
B: In my country, that would be called implausible deniability. And you know it. You rely on it to keep your opponents terrified.
P: Believe what you like. That’s not my problem.
B: Anyway, that isn’t the main focus of this meeting.
P: And that is?
B: Cyberwarfare. Criminal hacking of our businesses and institutions. It needs to stop.
P: We don’t have any hand in that.
B: At this rate, this is going to go down in history as the Malarkey Summit.
P: Again, believe what you like. We don’t condone hacking.
B: You had better not.
P: Or else, what?
B: You forget that America created the internet. We have even more and better hackers than you do. We can bring your country to a standstill without you even knowing it. It will get ugly, I promise.
P: I’ll keep that in mind. And now, I have a message for you, Mr. President.
B: Which is?
P: You think the future belongs to you, but you’re wrong. Trump and I have exposed the hollowness of your so-called democracy. America will look like Russia in a few years.
B: I understand your vision of the future. No NATO, no EU, and a disengaged America. Russia looks like the most powerful country in Europe.
P: That’s it!
B: But there are two problems with your vision, so be careful what you ask for.
P: Which are?
B: China is on your doorstep, and without NATO, Germany has nukes. You think life was scary with us having nukes–think what it would be like if the Germans had them!
P: We’ll see. (He leaves)