My fellow real Americans:
I’m here today because I’m told there was a big battle here. Really big. Huge, even, but not as big as me. Lots of people died. It was bad, I tell you.
I’m also told that Lincoln gave some kind of speech here, although I’ve never heard of it. Did you know I won more electoral votes than Lincoln? Way more! I even carried the South, and he didn’t. He didn’t beat Hillary Clinton, either. I should have a much bigger monument than he does.
Anyway, the fake news says that the South lost the big battle here. As usual, they lied. That would make the South losers, and they love me, so that can’t be right. The South won the battle. They won the war, too. Didn’t they pretty much get to keep their slaves after it was over? That’s winning in my book. Just like how I repealed Obamacare.
I’m here today to tell you that Lincoln was wrong. A house divided is better than a house united, at least as long as I’m president. Black people claiming to want their rights are Communists and terrorists. I’m running again to turn the clock back and put those people in their place. Without me, America is just another sh___hole country overrun with drugs and crime. Joe Biden won’t do anything to stop them, but I alone will. Vote for me on November 3.