(Trump tried to persuade his strongman buddies to attend the convention at his hotel as usual, but they thought it was too risky, so they’re meeting virtually, instead. Trump is alone in the Oval Office. Putin is first on the screen.)
T: Vlad the Impaler! How are you doing, bro?
P: I’m always happy to see you, Donald, and I’m working hard for your re-election, but I just don’t know if I can pull it off this time. It’s going to be tough.
T: Don’t worry. I’ll pull a rabbit out of the hat. I always do.
P: I hate to sound like a broken record, but the virus and the riots have given you the perfect opportunity to become a proper strongman, and you haven’t taken advantage of them. You should be shooting protesters, shutting down the media, and cancelling the election. That’s what I would do.
T: It’s not that easy here. This isn’t Russia, you know.
P: Man up, Donald! Stop being a wimp and blaming everyone but yourself! You can make your miserable country as great as Russia if you just have the will!
(Duterte has appeared on the screen)
T: Rodrigo, you old son of a bitch! Good to see you!
D: And you, you son of a whore!
P: Now, there’s a man who knows how to be a strongman! He doesn’t shrink from putting opponents in jail and shooting criminals! You could learn a lot from him.
D: I do what’s necessary, and my people love me.
T: But why are you so cozy with the Chinese?
D: I’m only here to tell you that this is my last convention with you. I have to get off to do a deal with Xi.
T: Why? Why not me?
D: Because no one trusts you, Donald. Xi may be a threat, but at least he keeps his word.
(Putin and Duterte exit; Xi comes on)
T: My favorite Chinaman! How’s it going!
X: I’m just here to say goodbye. We’re tired of being bashed by you. This “kung flu” thing is the last straw.
T: But it’s not personal! I never criticize you. It’s just your people and culture I can’t stand. Anyway, it’s just business–I’m sure you understand.
X: You hurt the feelings of the Chinese people when you talk about the “kung flu.” It’s personal with over a billion people. I can’t ignore what they think. This is the end for me.
(Xi departs; Kim comes on)
T: Rocketman! We heard you were dead!
K: They said that about Paul McCartney, too, and he’s still here.
T: I’ve been trying to send you a copy of “Rocketman.” You’ll love it! How should I address it?
K: Donald, I’ve tried to be patient with you, but you haven’t delivered anything to me. I’m tired of giving you credibility and photo-ops by pretending to be your friend. I’m putting an end to the charade. This is it.
(Kim leaves. Erdogan is now on)
T: Turkish delight! Congratulations on your victory in Libya!
E: Not that you helped. There was a time when America could solve problems like Libya. Now it’s up to me.
T: But you’re winning, and that’s good! The next time you come to America, we can celebrate at my hotel. I’ll give you a special deal on happy hour!
(Erdogan cuts out abruptly, leaving Trump all alone)