Good evening, America! Remember me? I’m your Uncle Joe. I’ve been gone the past few years, but I’m back, and I’m running for president.
You might be wondering why an old guy like me would run for the most difficult job in the world. Well, there are two reasons. First, I’m better qualified than anyone else in the country, and if you’ve been watching the last few years, you understand that competence matters. Second, and perhaps even more important, I understand what the American people want, and don’t want, from their government.
During the 2016 election, it became fashionable to say that America was “rigged.” Bernie Sanders started it, and he meant it. Donald Trump picked it up, and it helped him to get elected. Apparently he had a different definition of “rigged” than you and I do, because he decided to solve what he viewed as the problem by making racist remarks, supporting a huge tax giveaway to rich people, sucking up to Putin and other dictators, obstructing justice, and dismantling all of the agencies that protect us from unhealthy substances and activities, just among many other things. He thinks his job is to divide America every day he’s in office. I guess that was his idea of how to make America great. Well, it’s not mine.
Some people in our party have picked up the “rigged” idea and called for a “revolution” to fix a country that is flawed beyond all recognition. They’re right about one thing–we do have problems that need to be fixed. But America isn’t “rigged.” We don’t need Donald Trump, or any “revolutionary,” to make America great again. America is already great. It just needs a change of leadership to get back on the right track, and in spite of Trump, we’re not that far off.
How will we do that? By building on the legacy of Barack Obama. By rolling back most of the egregious Trump tax giveaway to the rich and using the money to help struggling working and middle-class people. By expanding Obamacare through the use of Medicare for More. By enacting ethics legislation. By finding a reasonable compromise on immigration. By not sucking up to dictators anymore, and standing up to Putin and Xi. By putting an end to a stupid trade war. By acknowledging climate change is a really serious problem, and using legislation, regulations, and subsidies to fight it. By rejoining the Paris and the Iran Agreements. And by fighting racism in the criminal justice and political systems.
I know there are candidates in my party who think that President Obama was a failure, and that we should throw out his work and start from scratch. I’m here to tell you that they’re wrong, and that many of the programs they’re advocating will never pass in our system, or cost way too much, or infringe on the freedoms of Americans in a way that they won’t accept. It’s not enough to have good intentions. It doesn’t do any good to make promises you can’t keep. You have to be able to deliver.
And so, I will be asking for your vote during the primaries this year, and in November of 2020. God bless you, God bless America, and good night.