Donald Trump strides confidently into a hotel room, where Putin is waiting for him. Trump gives him the obligatory crushing handshake. Putin briefly considers throwing a judo move, but wisely decides against it.
VP: Mr. President! It’s so good to meet you at last!
DT: But we’ve met before! Or maybe not. I’ve told so many different stories, I can’t remember which one is true.
VP: Congratulations for beating that bitch Hillary Clinton like a drum! The victory was all yours. Your media gave me way too much credit.
DT: Fake news! Fake news!
VP: I invented fake news, you know.
DT: No, I did.
VP: No, I did.
DT: No, I did.
VP: Whatever. Anyway, congratulations.
So how did your meeting with Merkel go?
DT: She’s worse than Clinton. She’s always in my ear with boring stuff about free trade and human rights. And she’s a two at best. At least Clinton’s a three or a four.
VP: Life’s too short to be spending time with ugly women. To the victors go the spoils, eh?
DT: You got that right, bro.
VP: If you need any help with her, I can offer you the use of my dog. He freaks her out.
DT: That would be funny, but I don’t like dogs, either.
VP: I have to say, we’ve gotten off to a disappointing start. I thought we were going to be friends.
DT: It’s not me, it’s Congress and my cabinet. Now that Flynn’s gone, no one except Bannon understands the game plan.
VP: You need to assert yourself, Mr. President. If you’re going to talk like a strong man, be one! Show everyone you’re the boss. That’s what I would do.
DT: I thought it would be easy, but it’s not. Our system is complicated.
VP: Here’s what works for me: have lots of pictures taken with your shirt off wrestling people and doing manual labor. It shows everyone how tough you are.
DT: I only play golf. The optics wouldn’t work.
VP: I suppose not. So let’s talk business. What can you do for me in Ukraine?
DT: My new Polish friends tell me you need to stop destabilizing the situation there.
VP: Screw the Poles–they’re just losers. There’s a reason their country is always being occupied. Ukraine belongs to us.
DT: But you can’t just go around invading all of your neighbors.
VP: Why not? If you have to invade Mexico after their next election, I promise I won’t say a word about it. Mexico belongs to you. Ukraine belongs to us.
DT: I’ll think about it.
VP: What about Syria? Why can’t we cooperate there? Assad is a great guy when you get to know him. He’s one of us.
DT: But you’re effectively supporting Iran, and we can’t live with that.
VP: The ayatollahs aren’t as crazy as you think. But here’s a deal: you can have a free hand with Iran if you’ll give me one in Ukraine. Does that work?
DT: That sounds like a deal.
VP: Can you do anything about sanctions?
DT: Can you help with North Korea?
VP: No can do with that, bro. We don’t have any influence there.
DT: I understand. Even Xi hasn’t been able to help.
VP: Anything else?
DT: No, but it’s been fun. Let’s go and have our pictures taken by the fake news.
The photos are taken, and Trump leaves.