This morning, Presidents Trump and Putin announced the surprise signing of a new treaty designed to divide Europe into two spheres of influence. Former NATO countries will now become American colonies, while former Warsaw Pact nations will be owned by Russia.
Trump could not be reached directly for comment, but on his way back to the Trump White House, he tweeted “ANOTHER AMAZING DEAL! WE GET THE GOOD PARTS, AND PUTIN GETS THE LEFTOVERS! WELCOME TO TRUMP UNIVERSITY!”
Upon hearing that European reaction to the deal was strongly negative, Trump tweeted “MERKEL AND THE REST ARE SUCH LOSERS! WESTERN EUROPE WILL BE LUCKY TO HAVE ME AS ITS RULER!”
President Putin applauded the deal, saying “It’s always a pleasure doing business with a strong man like myself.”
The agreement will be implemented with new regulations similar to the 17th Century Navigation Acts to make sure that America always runs a surplus with its colonies and so “wins at trade”. When asked about European objections to the deal, Trump spokeswoman Sarah Palin responded “The Germans colonized us hundreds of years ago. Don’t you think they would do it again, if they could? You betcha!” When subsequently advised by reporters that the Germans had never owned any colonies in North America, she said that was a lie spread by the “lamestream media.”
Palin also indicated that she was looking forward to seeing the new Russian bloc from her house.
House Speaker Paul Ryan has been directed to find funds for a new, larger Trump monument commemorating the deal in his budget. Ryan angrily denied that he was “enabling” Trump by building monuments to him and pointed out that Trump was showing that he was “becoming a real Republican” by suggesting cuts to Medicaid to pay for the monument.